Blessed by the Potato

Halloween is fast approaching, so it’s long past time for those hearties going as pirates to figure out their facial hair, especially if the natural approach to costuming is to be taken.

A pirate’s beard is an integral part of his outward persona. While each pirate’s beard is unique to them, and can be as fluid as the sea herself, there are several broad categories to keep in mind:

Long and unkempt: face it, pirates spend a lot of time at sea, and beard-trimming falls pretty far down on the personal hygiene list of priorities. So a long, unkempt look is great for a pirate. Bonus points, of course, for tentacles. As a practical matter though, it’s a tough look to pull off, as it will require months of dedication and celibacy. People on the bus may think you’re a touch off, as the shipwrecked look is not a good look for anyone who’s not a pirate. If the pirate inside your soul is dead set on the full facial FSM, perhaps prosthetics are the way to go.

For most of the other options, one can start with a respectable, scholarly full beard and trim as needed on Halloween:

The Swashbuckler: Swashbucklers need a little facial hair to add to the mystique and danger of being an expert duellist. Often a moustache with just a little hint of hair on the chin, ala Will Turner, or that other famous pirate of the Caribbean. Other notable swashbucklers have stuck to just a moustache, with the Dread Pirate Roberts utilizing just a thin trace of hair above his upper lip. A thin, neat, focused bit of facial hair is important to the swashbuckler: it conveys the message that they are a refined gentleman that can wield a rapier with finesse, yet are just wild and mysterious enough to be truly dangerous. This is someone who’s in control of their dark side, but it is definitely there; not your average cutlass-swinging bit of cannon fodder.

The Goatee: A goatee is a good all-around facial accent that remains faintly sinister. Excellent for the quiet, brooding types of pirate who don’t need anything fancy to get the job done, and still remains work-appropriate.

The Captain Hook: I’ve never seen a real, live person able to pull off the cartoonish curly moustache of Captain Hook, but if you’ve got the follicles for it, then it can be a good variant of the swashbuckler. Sinister.

Muttonchops: Not strictly recognizable as a pirate beard, muttonchops nonetheless can be an excellent choice (after all, the rest of the costume will mark you as a pirate). Muttonchops are basically the opposite of the Swashbuckler, both in the areas of your face to shave, and also in that they signify you as one of the cutlass-swinging cannon-fodder working pirates. Yarr. A quick shower and outfit change and you could even pass for Royal Navy. Or Wolverine.

The 5th Day: A version of the lost at sea full beard is to simply go with a nice 5-day shadow, completely untrimmed. It signifies the roughneck nature of piracy without requiring the artistry or upkeep of the other options. It can also represent the desperation of a well-heeled Navy man fallen on hard times, a man with no attachment or special love for his pirate beard, but who’s in no position to keep up a clean shaven facade.

Have a happy Halloween!

Some short notes:

Jenn writes: “Jenn is willing her husband to stop singing christmas carols. Please. someone make him stop.”

There are only two capital crimes left in Canada: treason, and singing Christmas carols before Halloween. I’m not saying that this is a death threat, but actions have consequences, Kyle. Legally sanctioned consequences.

It’s always been a bit of a challenge filling up the old Halloween playlist, so I’m happy to report that I’ve listened to the lyrics of Lady Gaga’s Monster and Teeth, and hooyeah, those are Halloween songs all right. (Monster is easy, you only need to be slightly literally-minded; “show me your teeth” becomes Halloweeny once you’ve got vampires on the brain).

I also updated the background images for the season. You may need to hit reload to see them.

I was preparing my lunch earlier: peanut butter and jelly, with the crusts cut off, of course. It was then that I was hit with an epiphany: I am not ready for this.

I don’t even know what this is, but here I am, an idealistic kid cutting the crusts off his sandwiches. I’m clearly not ready to deal with browned and less-tasty bread (or “sandwich handles”), and that is one of the less rigorous challenges life will throw my way.

People have been asking me what I’m going to do after I finish my degree. It’s a big terrifying question, and one I don’t really have a good answer to. I mean that’s still a long way away, isn’t it? (Isn’t it??) I still have no idea what I’m going to do with my life.

So I face the paradoxical fact that I’m also a grown-ass man: I’m going to graduate with an advanced degree in AWESOME any day now (any day now); I have a bald spot, and my metabolism has reached the point that I have to watch what I eat (except on milkshake and cookie days). I have students of my very own, and I teach them things. I’m married; my friends are reproducing — my former students are getting married and reproducing!

How did this happen? Shouldn’t somebody have stopped this? I mean, I recently stayed up to 5 am playing video games (though getting home from work after 1 am made this no great feat). There is no way that I’m grown up and ready for a real job or a family or a healthy balanced diet. I was always a very responsible child, but that’s on the kid scale of hooligan to quiet nerdy type; that’s a far cry from actual responsibility.

I suppose I’ll just have to take a cue from XKCD:

And define what being grown up means my own damned self.

My feet used to live a very dull life: I only ever own three pairs of footwear at a time (my current pair of sneakers, snow boots, and sandals/watershoes), and a large assortment of pre-matched all-season socks. These socks have, over the years, cycled from plain white tube socks to tube socks with stuff on them (swooshes, dark soles), to grey tube socks (to quiet the protests of “you can’t wear white socks with that!”). I generally buy a dozen socks or so at a time so that I don’t have to spend an inordinate amount of time playing sock matchmaker on laundry day.

However recently I’ve started getting into fancy socks: shorter socks for the summer with more elasticity around the arches; thicker socks for winter.

I’ve long known of the importance of socks: good socks help keep your feet dry, warm, and serve as a nice cushion/rub barrier between your shoes and your feet so you don’t get blisters. However, I never put much stock in fancy expensive socks, thinking they were largely gimmicks. Now that I’ve tried them, I have to say that I do notice some improvement with the different types of socks (particularly the summery socks that are shorter and breathe better on the tops). So now I’m a fancy sock convert.

In hindsight, it’s a little surprising to me that it took this long to come around, as I’ve long been a believer in the importance of pampering your feet, especially when it comes to comfy shoes.

I got kitties sent to me in the mail. It’s hilarious, there’s no name or return address:

Is this a hilarious piece of randomness? Should I be worried about an impending kitten war — a war involving or over kittens? Has the internet become self-aware, and chosen to announce this to the world with the sending of postcards with kittens?

Rachelle at Landlord Rescue is hosting the first edition of the Canadian Real Estate Carnival. Head over there to check out a collection of articles about real estate in Canada, including one by me!

Mike from MoneySmartsBlog has published his guidebook to RESPs. I got to help proofread an advanced copy, so I can say that the book is a good resource to have when starting out with an RESP for your child. It covers all the bases, explains what an RESP is, why you’d want to set one up for your child, and details the rules you need to be aware of.

The Globe has an article on the power of 4chan. “But their apparent hatred for humanity is compellingly inverse to their love of animals. […] When they decide to avenge people, they do it according to odd whims, like some dark, mercurial supervillain with a soft spot for house pets.” Netbug responds: “4Chan… It’s like letting a swarm of piranhas out of their tank because you have a spare cow to get rid of.”

The Big Picture blog has a post about Freddie and Fannie. What I found interesting was figure “2.2” (the 4th? one down). This is the data I was talking about some time ago about how Canada isn’t as different as we think we are. You can see how having a bad credit score lead to higher rates of default, but having high LTV (i.e., low downpayment) was also a large risk factor, even without having a low credit score (having both was terrible). And Canada definitely has had a lot of high LTV mortgages written in the last few years, even if “subprime” isn’t as bad.

The Neurologica blog laments science education in the US. A topic near and dear to my heart.

Thesis sabotage. Just the thought makes me shudder.