Blessed by the Potato

I have — quite by accident, as one does — achieved something truly incredible. In just a few short days I have completely destroyed a fundamental behavioural reflex that is shared by all the mammals I’ve ever shared a house with: yawning. I didn’t use pain or taste conditioning, no electrodes or supra-threshold induced currents with TMS. I didn’t use dopamine agonists, opioids, or GABA inhibitors — I didn’t inject anything at all.

What happened was that I was exhausted and a little silly from playing with Blueberry. Wayfare was going off to bed and yawning quite a lot. So I mimicked her: as she yawned, I opened my mouth. I didn’t have a sympathy yawn, I didn’t mimick the movement in my eyes or the tilt of my head: all I did was open my mouth wide until she was done yawning. And that cognitive dissonance of a not-quite-a-sympathetic-yawn made her laugh. So I did it again. Over the course of 2-3 days I did it maybe 5 or 6 times, that’s it. Now — completely untaught by me — Blueberry is doing it to her too.

And now she can’t yawn in front of either of us without laughing. “It’s so frustrating, I can’t satisfy my urge to yawn,” she says, leaving the room to get a good yawn in.

Beyond the fact that this is so hilarious that I pretty much give myself an asthma attack laughing at her tragic yet ultimately trivial problem, it is completely fascinating. Yawning is a hard reflex to suppress (though to be fair “broken” is not the same as suppressed), so I’m surprised that a few bouts of giggling is all it took. Fair warning to you all: I may be trying this out on the next few people I catch yawning.

In my last post on what you wanted to see on the blog, Wayfare playfully suggested that I switch to the anachronistic double-space after the period writing style. I am on record as saying that using two spaces after a period in a modern variable-width font (basically all of them) is wrong wrong wrongity-wrongo. It’s so wrong HTML will try to automatically correct that anachronistic habit. You have to manually put in non-breaking spaces to force it to do that (or have your WYSIWYG editor do it for you), which makes weird things happen at line breaks, like leading spaces. Double-spacing after a period is a dark, dark part of our past that we have collectively left behind, and even the most traditional style guide is now embarrassed to even mention it.

Egos were crushed in the flamewar that brought single-keypress variable-spacing standards to the world. You rebel scum disrespect them with your ancient rituals and superstitions. Coming across a mouldy high school teacher that forces double-spacing on her students because “that’s the way [she] was taught” is sad and uncomfortable. There was a point, maybe in the 50’s, where the whole “this is the way we should shape our beautiful and equitable society” idea was still kind of new, so we silently tolerated some backwards beliefs, calling them a personal style, knowing one day the holdouts would fade from this plane. But now, there’s little to no excuse for that behaviour.

Because I have been dealing with it for half the day, Rebel Scum, here is the other problem with your backward double-spacing ways (aside from disharmony): you lose count. People trained to press space bar once after a period are — I find as an editor — pretty damned reliable at putting in one and only one space. 99.9% of the time, they’ve got that trick nailed. Double-spacers form bad habits and inconsistencies slip in — if you add extraneous spaces because the standard variable-width spacing is not enough for you, where does it stop? “Hmm, still doesn’t ‘look right’, needs another space after the period.” Today I was editing a document by someone who is nominally a double-spacer, yet double-spaces were in the minority. About 10% came out as singles. About 30% had an extra space for a triple. Another 20% were quadruples, and nearly 5% were just vast chasms of spaces. The kind of pattern you see when someone likes to absently tap the space bar as they’re trying to think of how to start the next sentence.

That ancient ritual, unwittingly performed: the DecaSpace invoked. I looked into that void today, and saw a possible future past in which all of mankind was swallowed by that emptiness between . and T. That impossible, despairing chasm sucked at my soul, attempting to pull me into the UnContent between words; unravelling the very structure of the document. The blinding, beckoning bright white heart that is the purest essence of writer’s block we will ever see this side of Minesweeper sent its tendrils out to me, feasting on my hopes and dreams, threatening to leave nothing but a glassy-eyed stare and a haunted feeling that I will live the rest of my days with that eerie feeling that the word I need is just on the tip of my tongue.

I escaped (mostly) alive, of course, and corrected the error. Here I am, relating the tale, and in reflection glad not only that the Space Wars brought harmony to the universe, but that it was the single-spacers that won, long before I was old enough to choose a side and know what I had to fight for. Never again do I wish to have such a profound glimpse into the mind of another author through contact that should be as casual as punctuation.

I’m quite tolerant of people’s quirks, and try to work with an author within their own style, merely ensuring that they stay consistent to it. Oxford commas, or not; spaced n-dash or unspaced m-dash; singular they or some other convention, whatever the author chooses. Nevertheless, in my shop double spacing is now an error that gets corrected. No longer will I tolerate the reckless frolicking of these fools who seek to harness powers they do not comprehend, merrily, blindly dancing on the edge of oblivion because their grandparents thought it safe.

There are many talented cosplayers out there with Jedi and Jawas, Chewbaccas and C-3POs represented. But Stormtroopers outnumber them all combined, just check out this photo from Fan Expo. There are a lot of fans out there with really good Stormtrooper costumes. Who watches Star Wars and thinks “Vader, Luke, Solo, Boba Fett… nah, I want to be a Stormtrooper!” Sure, a few would be expected, but the Stormtroopers are nuts. There are a lot of fans with suspiciously good Stormtrooper costumes. I’ve yet to see one in duct tape and Kleenex boxes.

That’s too many to believe, each imbued with too much awesomesauce. And they never take off their helmets. I think something else is going on here: a real galactic invasion, happening right under our noses. They’re masquerading as fans to slowly infiltrate our society. First, conventions. Then, “ironic” appearances of Stormtroopers at bowling alleys and shopping malls, getting us used to the idea of harmless Stormtroopers on our streets. Next, “peaceful” protests in front of our government buildings. After that, who knows — maybe we’ll find out how deadly precise their blaster fire is after all. Obi Wan always seemed to hold it in high regard.

I’ve written a lot about personal finance, investing, and saving lately. I’ve joined or led letter-writing campaigns for tax sanity, landlord-tenant reform, and internet competition’s usage-based-billing issue. But now it’s time to mobilize around an issue of true national importance: the distinct lack of Cherry Coke Zero in our stores.

It’s quite frankly ridiculous that Canada doesn’t have Cherry Coke Zero available*. It’s 2013, we’re supposed to be living in the future here, not like savages with nothing but plain Coke Zero on our grocery store shelves. It’s particularly disturbing because so much of Coke’s advertising is Canadian-derived: polar bears, Santa, happy people not shooting each other (go ahead and check, hardly any Coke ads feature gun violence, it’s extremely Canadian), and frosty glasses with condensation (wait, that one isn’t Canadian, but does happen here**). Though created in America, Coke’s second home is clearly Canada — and we are beyond a doubt Coke’s muse — yet we get tossed aside on flavour selection like unrepentant Pepsi fanatics saving up for a Harrier jet.

It’s time to do something about that. I have laid out a plan of action to bring Cherry Coke Zero to thirsty Canadians everywhere***. First, I will ask, politely. That is the Canadian way. Below I’ve pasted the letter that I have sent to the public contact address**** on Coke’s website.

Coca-Cola Canada
335 King Street East
Toronto, Ontario
M5A 1L1

August 9, 2013

To Whom It May Concern;

Cherry Coke Zero is, simply put, a wonderful beverage. Whenever I’m in the US it seems to be the only thing I drink. Like many Canadians, if I’m driving south of the border and don’t have a restrictive baggage allowance, I’m sure to bring a few cases home. They quickly run out though, and I am left wondering: why doesn’t Coca-Cola sell Cherry Coke Zero in Canada?

Presumably your market research has indicated that the Canadian market lacks the demand to make introducing a new flavour of Coke worthwhile. I don’t know what methodological errors your market research people made, or if the lack of Cherry Coke Zero was merely an oversight and the market hasn’t actually been studied yet, but I assure you that the demand is there in Canada, with many vocal proponents of the flavour.

Indeed, three of the top ten Google search results for “Cherry Coke Zero” are of Canadians discussing where to find and buy the product they love. The biggest buzz around the few Freestyle machines in Toronto is that they are a way to get an occasional taste of Cherry Coke Zero without taking a five-hour drive. The multitude of other flavours do not merit a mention.

The question pressing on my mind is: what will it take to convince Coca-Cola Canada to bring Cherry Coke Zero to Canadians? My sincere hope is that nobody has thought to simply ask before now, and that this plea alone will soon bring 12-packs of the delicious nectar to a grocery store near me. Please offer Cherry Coke Zero in Canada. If merely asking is insufficient, what would sway the leadership team? Masses of people would be eager to sign a petition; hunger strikes are not really the forte of myself nor my fellow Cherry Coke Zero aficionados, but we could try. Do I need to petition the heads of Loblaws, Sobeys, and Metro first?

I hope to hear exciting news about changes to your product line-up soon.

Sincerely;

If that doesn’t work, I will bring out the memes. Naturally the first will be the Futurama’s “shut up and take my money!” one. If that doesn’t work, there will be more, possibly with cats, likely with polar bears*****. I’ll give that a few months to work, until it’s nice and snowy, setting the scene for the final stage: unleashing polar bears on King street. I haven’t yet secured a loan from the Toronto Zoo for the bears, as there’s a lot of paperwork and they’re not satisfied with my proposed display of setting them free to run amok until our beverage demands are met, as the swimming and other environmental enrichment components are not up to their standards. As a backup I’m trying to see how many Cherry Coke Zero fans are among the polar bears swim club ranks.

* – with the exception of expensive single-serve Coke Freestyle machines at select fast food restaurants and movie theatres. A few weeks ago I paid $3 just to get a single-serve Cherry Coke Zero at Hero Burger. PS: Hero Burger your prices suck.

***** – it’s the internet, it’ll be cats. Maybe at best, cats in itty bitty polar bear costumes.

When searching for industry data reports for a project I saw one on socks and couldn’t help but download it.

“Clothing and textiles” too broad for you? Well, you’re in luck my dear, as the US Census Bureau separately tracks sock production, shipments, and inventory levels. Yes, you can obtain and analyze data on trends in mens’ socks, womens’ socks, and infant booties, broken down by material (are wool socks making a comeback against cotton and man-made fibres?) with quarterly resolution.

“Ah-ha!” you’re thinking, if you haven’t fallen asleep entirely, “This must be some historical throwback, like how the US patent office has those categories for patents on shoeing horses and mail delivery by train car that you talked about before.” And while that is a perfectly reasonable hypothesis, this granularity in sock production data collection started in 2004 as annual data. Then, with what must have been tremendous demand for information on how a nation kept its feet warm, dry, and blister-free, the Census Bureau started collecting quarterly data in 2006.

The world truly is a ridiculous place.