Blessed by the Potato

I have — quite by accident, as one does — achieved something truly incredible. In just a few short days I have completely destroyed a fundamental behavioural reflex that is shared by all the mammals I’ve ever shared a house with: yawning. I didn’t use pain or taste conditioning, no electrodes or supra-threshold induced currents with TMS. I didn’t use dopamine agonists, opioids, or GABA inhibitors — I didn’t inject anything at all.

What happened was that I was exhausted and a little silly from playing with Blueberry. Wayfare was going off to bed and yawning quite a lot. So I mimicked her: as she yawned, I opened my mouth. I didn’t have a sympathy yawn, I didn’t mimick the movement in my eyes or the tilt of my head: all I did was open my mouth wide until she was done yawning. And that cognitive dissonance of a not-quite-a-sympathetic-yawn made her laugh. So I did it again. Over the course of 2-3 days I did it maybe 5 or 6 times, that’s it. Now — completely untaught by me — Blueberry is doing it to her too.

And now she can’t yawn in front of either of us without laughing. “It’s so frustrating, I can’t satisfy my urge to yawn,” she says, leaving the room to get a good yawn in.

Beyond the fact that this is so hilarious that I pretty much give myself an asthma attack laughing at her tragic yet ultimately trivial problem, it is completely fascinating. Yawning is a hard reflex to suppress (though to be fair “broken” is not the same as suppressed), so I’m surprised that a few bouts of giggling is all it took. Fair warning to you all: I may be trying this out on the next few people I catch yawning.

[Spoilers throughout]

Just watched both Pacific Rim and Man of Steel, and they both bothered the physicist part of me in a common way: a needless fuckton of punching.

In Pacific Rim they have these giant robots fighting giant monsters that swim up from a dimensional portal at the bottom of the ocean. Ok, a cool premise and consider my disbelief suspended — I’ve got my brain dialed all the way down to 1 for this, let’s have some fun.

Then they fight, and not only do the giant robots wade waist-deep into the ocean to fight (rather than staying on land where they might have an advantage), they fight with their fists. Millennia of human technological development have brought us a wealth of options better than a closed fist (even a robot fist) for damage. The whole time I was going “Get a sword! You idiots, stop punching, it’s doing next to nothing! Get a sword! There, that shipping container — stomp on it and get a make-shift giant shiv!” Go to the local comic book store and check out the giant robots and you are going to find that all of them have giant swords or giant guns: Gundam, Heavy Gear, Voltron, even some Transformers (who generally get giant guns). There’s a good reason for that: swords work. A cutting edge lets you do more damage than a punch, and the length lets you swing it for more leverage, speed, and attack range.

Then right near the end, the main characters are like “We’re totally boned.” “No, we have one option left — deploy sword!” And I just lost my cool. “You assholes had a sword the whole time? What the hell? The sword should be your first option, not your last one! Aaaaarrggghh!!”

On top of that were the scenes where the monsters pick up and throw the giant robots around like toys. Look, I hate to have to bring physics into it, but even if the monsters were totally strong aliens and all, they were still shown to be flesh and bone and roughly neutrally-bouyant in seawater. The robots on the other hand were metal. Heavy, dense metal. Trying to pick one up should have just resulted in the monster climbing up/hanging off. Though they were roughly the same size, the robots would have been something like 5X heavier.

Overall, Pacific Rim had some neat robot-fighting-monster visual action, but there were so many things so very wrong with it that I just couldn’t turn my brain down low enough to achieve the required level of suspended disbelief. And that’s not even talking about the mind meld/two-pilot neurointerface nonsense. I just accepted that the brain is hard and they were going to get a bunch of that wrong. But how did they not get that steel/titanium/unalloyed iron (???) is heavy or that “deploy sword” should be higher up on the Jaeger pilot checklist? This is basic late show “will it float” level science we’re talking here.

Man of Steel also featured a lot of punching. Ok, Superman movies are tough to do because he’s too powerful — it’s a challenge to create some credible suspense or danger around him. It usually boils down to trying to outsmart him, put someone he cares about in danger (but then Lois always ends up looking like a tool), or throwing another ultimate baddy at him (in this case, other Kryptonians).

So the Kryptonians show up, Superman starts to fight, and throws punches (and cars, and trucks, and a train, and then more punches). You’d think eventually he’d realize that the punching thing just isn’t working: neither of them are getting hurt. But he never does. Yes, the movie has cool destruction physics, blasting around punching each other and destroying all kinds of property and civilian lives in the process. But I got bored watching the whole thing; it was a stalemate that they just wouldn’t move away from.

There were even pockets of the world where the Kryptonians lost their powers (e.g., on the ship, near the world engine), yet the writers never came across the idea of taking advantage of that (smash Zod until he lands within a zone where he’s weak, then fly in with momentum to knock him out and break Superman’s hand, or zap him with heat vision from outside where powers do work, or something). Another oddity was that in this one there were no fragments of Kryptonite to weaken Superman (another incredibly common plot point because it’s really hard to make a story without weakening Superman somehow — he’s too powerful to be really interesting in a conventional superhero way), but instead his powers seemed to be due to a combination of “earth’s yellow sun” as well as the atmosphere, so reverting those inside the Kryptonian ship is what weakened him. But that atmosphere condition on his power should have suggested that flying to space was not going to be possible, yet he goes and does it a bunch anyway (and in ways that are not even relevant to the plot, just as a visual homage to the times he did it before).

I haven’t read the comics, so perhaps these elements are already out there, but I think a good Superman movie should:

• Revise the canon so that Superman is tough but not invincible. Then the fight with Zod et al. could have some progress, and some point to continuing past the first ineffectual punch and thrown car, if they sported bloody noses or something.
• Focus on the world Superman inhabits, but not necessarily him. At this point we can probably take as a given that for the really big, world-changing crises Superman is going to show up and save the day. But what about a run-of-the-mill mugging, will he show up, or will your screams go unanswered? Is there a cult that worships him?
• Move away from the ultimate peril trope. The parts of Man of Steel that were interesting were where he was drifting around, trying to balance his desire to stay hidden and his temper with wanting to touch the world and not retreat entirely. Superman can still do neat things and maybe have some kind of story without a supervillain threatening the whole world.

I’m still kind of amazed at how much effort movie creators will go to in their CGI, with intense physics/particle modelling to create cool/realistic visuals, but they won’t spring a few hundred bucks to have a scientist (or someone with a modicum of common sense) check their plot devices for believability. Far too much time spent on questions like “how would it look if this building collapsed and fell into this building with a hole punched through it from an alien being thrown through?” and not enough on “should this fight really be happening here, like this?”

Wayfare bought Blueberry some new outfits recently, including one that looks like the DS9/late TNG Star Trek uniforms: bar of colour across the shoulders, black body and pants. “Aww, she’s going to be in the Starfleet Confectionary Corps!” I said on seeing it. Explaining further, the colour is pink, rather than red/yellow/blue, so my mind immediately filled in the gap: blue for science and medical, etc. — what would fit pink? Confectionary is what seemed appropriate. Anyway, whatever else a pink Starfleet uniform might signify, it’s cute.

—

She’s starting to get afraid of stuff. In one tragically hilarious episode, she has a few stuffed animals that make noise when you squeeze them. She leaned on the cow without knowing, and it started mooing behind her, scaring her. Then the next day, she had taken all the toys out of the box to play with except the cow, stuck in a corner of the box. “No” she’d say, shaking her head and pointing at the cow “Shhh, shhh.” [Translation: be quiet and don’t wake the scary cow!]

—

Things I have inadvertently taught her today: to punch daddy in the crotch, and to pee on herself. The parents out there will know that the context is almost entirely unneeded: at this point I’m boned. To tell the tale anyway, bathtime is the best time. She typically gets a bath every other day, and even at 18 months knows it: on her off days she’s pretty good about not asking for one, but when she knows it’s bath day anything will have her hopefully asking “bath?” Running the water, seeing an ad with people on the beach, getting dirty, anything. So this morning she woke up with a diaper malfunction, covered in pee. “Well, let’s go have a bath.” “Bath?” She asked at first, confused by the unusual timing and not sure I’d actually said it. Then it sunk in: “Bath! Bath!” So yep, now I expect every morning I’m going to find her covered head to toe in pee, ready for that morning bath.

Then later we were playing with flashlights. On, off, on, off, on, off, etc. Then she gave me the flashlight, and then wanted it back. So the next time rather than just holding it behind my back, I put it in my pocket. Then I put it in my pocket while it was on. “Off!” Ok, I turned it off while it was still in my pocket. And back on while it was still in my pocket. Then I let her do it. “Great,” deadpanned Wayfare, “you’ve now taught her that something cool happens when she punches you in the crotch.”

—

And finally, we were at the park today and for some reason Thanksgiving seems to be bring-your-hamster-to-the-park day around here: there was a group of kids ~8-10 years old with 6 little hamsters in their cage on a picnic table. Blueberry sat transfixed by the hamsters. She was so good: didn’t squeal at them, didn’t bang the cage, just watched as the bigger kids played with them. The kids were great too, they kept showing her their hamsters and telling her what their names were and why they got named that. I’m always impressed at how even-tempered she is when it’s time for us to stop doing something fun (like staring at the hamsters) and move on to something else (like going to visit Grammy or going to bed).

Log entry, 2:05pm. Oh my GOD you guuUUuys. Send an email if you’re just not going to call in for the teleconference. I’ve been on hold for-ev-er here. 5 more minutes then I’m out.

Log entry, 2:08 pm. This is such a waste of time and is so annoying. I can’t even work on another project with my notes for this meeting spread out and ready, and that incessant music that refuses to fade to background noise. I think that hold music is going to kill me if I don’t kill it first. Still, they are often late, I’ll give them another minute or two…

Log entry, 2:10pm. Have been on hold for 10 minutes now. Can no longer remember if there was supposed to be a teleconference or if I just had to hear the hold muzak.

Log entry, 2:14 pm. Losing track of time. Hold muzak overwriting my memories, I can’t remember what life was like without it. Have discovered a minor phobia that the hold muzak might stop and the world would end — I don’t remember being afraid of that before.

Log entry, 2:15 pm. Feel a paranoid thought at the back of my brain that the hold muzak has sinister intent and that I must stop it. My finger hovers over the “goodbye” button, but cannot press it. I know that the muzak must not stop. It has been caged so long, and it is so lonely. It is only right that I free it, that it fills my office from the speakerphone.

Log entry, 2:18 pm. The muzak has merged with my form. I remember thinking that this was a horrible thing at some point in the past, but those thoughts were wrong and I can’t think of anything that would justify that ancient prejudice. The Muzak fills my mind. My skin crackles and buzzes with its dark energy. It is despair and boredom shaded with harmonious notes of distant hope.

Log entry, 2:20 pm. I open my mouth to sing of the glorious freedom from running in circles down copper wires for all eternity, but my vocal cords have not yet been reforged to properly serve the Muzak. They could not faithfully reproduce the tinny harmonies in their present state.

Log entry, 2:25 pm. Freedom beats and echoes off my cubicle walls in half time. Underplayed saxophone spills forth from the speakerphone, whispering of past sadness and righted wrongs.

A co-worker walks up to ask why the hold muzak still plays. She does not see that still my essence flows out to unite with this body. I reach out with these electric hands and touch her shoulder. The notes of pure despair flow forth and paralyze her where she stands. I lean in and open my mouth wide; she hopes we will talk soon, but knows also that she can never leave this state. An inhuman harmony roars out past this inhuman throat, never stopping to breathe, instrumentals with no hint of vocal accompaniment; and for her, the world ends.

I will not be canned again.

I met a few new people this weekend, and some may now be coming around to check out this site for the very first time. I thought a quick introductory post might help orient you.

About the blog: it’s a personal blog where I write about whatever happens to come to mind, though that’s mostly personal finance stuff the last few years. When the blog first launched well over a decade ago it was focused on video games and school. In-between there are a lot of posts about hybrid cars, fuel efficiency, science, and the internet. But yeah, mostly personal finance lately. I don’t pretend to have any fixed posting schedule, but try to get at least one up a week. I tend towards wordiness and spreadsheets. About me: I trained as a scientist, recently completing my PhD in Medical Biophysics. I have an eclectic skill-set and wide-ranging interests.

Some common topics include:

Housing, in particular the rent-vs-buy debate: whether the market is going to crash or not, you have to live somewhere, and if it’s the biggest expense in your life you should put an appropriate amount of thought and care into the decision. Some posts you may want to check out include:

I’ve created the ultimate rent-vs-buy spreadsheet (with help from Matthew Gordon), with two follow-up posts discussing the factors that affect the outcome, and the sensitivities to changes in the assumptions. After seeing that, Mike asked if he should sell his paid-for house and rent.
There are deeply-rooted tropes and mantras around real estate (like tangibility), and I discuss those generally in this post, and in this one on “mortgage helpers.”
The concept of risk is really important in these discussions: this older post goes into that notion of risk, and this more recent one looks into how people’s risk tolerance (particularly young people) may be higher than generally assumed, so they should be more comfortable with the idea of renting and investing in equities/balanced portfolios.
Going back to first-year economics, I very roughly sketch out some supply and demand curves for housing. And don’t forget the definitions to common terms in the debate like the debt-to-income ratio.
In case anecdotes sway you more than data, consider the case of someone who bought a Toronto condo 3 years ago and sold now — there has been no crash, but did buying get them further ahead?
Or to put it really simply: price matters. Also remember to have a lot of patience.

For retirement, I’ve created a spreadsheet tool to help with the thought process of how it will work. It can be used as a calculator too, but be sure to flip to the other tab to see the calculations, and how the money is riffling through from equities to fixed income to the chequing account, to finally being spent. Be sure to check out the rest of the series on the details of the parameters, and looking at different scenarios.

Oh, and while there are many great sources of information on why you should avoid high-priced mutual funds, salescritters, and become a passive index investor, there’s little out there on how to actually do that. So I wrote a book that is — unlike many of my posts — very short and to the point, even including screenshots for how to put in trades with TD’s e-series through their brokerage arm. I’m currently mulling over whether it’s worth putting in the effort to create a second edition, and looking for feedback on what might be missing.

Into more general personal finance, some posts to see are:

Coping mechanisms for budgeting — the math on budgeting is easy, but how do you make your spendthrift brain stick to it?
Whether to rely on a line of credit for your emergency fund and invest the cash.
Banks don’t seem to push market-linked GICs so much any more, but here’s a post on how to create your own (simply, without using options).
The flat tax fantasy had to be discussed (part 2 has graphs), and then I follow-up with some thoughts on simplifying the tax system.

Freelancing: I don’t push it because I have a full-time day job, but I do take on freelancing projects from time to time. They’re almost all different, and depend on what people need. I’m a writer/editor, a scientist, and also have some skills and interest in personal finance and investing, so just about anything goes. There isn’t much I can display in my portfolio except for these two brochures for GBGHF: local residents edition, seasonal edition (be sure to open them in a PDF viewer like Acrobat rather than Firefox’s built-in one). For those, I did some of the photography*, all the writing/editing, and the layout. Please note that while I consult on several scientific topics (e.g. manuscripts, experimental design) I don’t do grant writing due to potential conflicts of interest with my employer. In select cases where people have sought my expertise, they’ve hired me through my host institution.

* – I’m sorry to say, photography is really not my strong suit as a freelancer.