Blessed by the Potato

Han Solo, dastardly space pirate, rugged mercenary, and admittedly mediocre smuggler lost a cargo of contraband spice for Jabba the Hutt, notorious gangster and glutton. Our lovable rogue then had a bounty put on his head so large that every mercenary in the galaxy was looking for him. Having no rich relations to speak of, he couldn’t easily come up with the cash to pay Jabba back. Fortunately, he got a sweet milk run contract at the last minute: a pair of rich(?) upstanding-types wanted a fast ride to Alderaan, and were paying handsomly. Before they could leave, though, the bounty hunter Greedo found Han in Mos Eisley, and sat him down for a little chat. It was clear that Greedo wasn’t going to leave until Han went with him to Jabba so Greedo could get paid, or until Han paid Greedo to bugger off.

So, Han deftly drew his blaster out beneath the table, and shot Greedo in cold blood. Or did he? Long after the Emperor was killed and the second Death Star destroyed, the law caught up to Han Solo, and put him on trial. Fortunately, we’ve found footage of The Trial of Han Solo.

Even George Lucas appears as a witness; however a twist of fate puts him on trial. We get to see once and for all that the perversions of his once beloved accidental masterpieces mean that he truly is totally batshit fucking loco.